She was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world.
– Kate Chopin, The Awakening
I remember that feeling well. Securing the heavy cloth of “normalcy” on my shoulders as I left for my administrative job, a drooping heaviness, slowly gathering weight throughout the day. My heart ached with strained discontentment. I felt like a fraud. A failure. Incapable of fulfilling ideals of where and who I should be, ought to be, by age 25.
I had forgotten what I loved and craved, the hobbies and passions I possessed. I forgot how to flow with life, with my nature, with my strengths. Continue reading
Autumnal sunshine transports me back to memories of Pai. The infamous mountain town in northern Thailand that my friends and I have appropriately nicknamed ‘the land of the lotus eaters’. Many people came and never left. Opened restaurants and made families. Melded into the easy ways of a mountain town. Past lives were forgotten and left behind as these travelers enmeshed themselves in the vibrant sunsets, rich food, and the not-so-subtle cornucopia of ‘mood enhancers’.
I’m left with these memories of this beautiful and grounded town. Where yoga & music & camping & atypical diets are the norm.
It felt like a piece of my soul, a home I had envisioned countless times in my own mind, a place where I felt free & adventurous, connected & appreciated, full of love & wide-eyed.
Shaky hands hug a warm mug of my favorite French press coffee. Heart racing; breath shallow.
Centering my focus on the mug, it’s warmth, and the sweet smell of black coffee. I fill my lungs completely, so that they press and stretch out my upper ribs, bringing that delicious space into my upper back. Holding for a moment, sipping a bit more air into my chest, then sighing. Sighing out all the tense&sticky bits&pieces the Moon has been bringing me.
They’re like little gifts, little reminders of how to breathe, move, relax, contemplate, inquire, discover.
The past week, with big cosmic movements: the full moon, Mercury in retrograde in Scorpio, and a lunar eclipse, have left me jittery and scattered, yet contemplative and introspective.
This life of mine has not been a series of happenings buoyant with balance and ease. I have come to realize that I’m not really accustomed to balance.
I wonder: maybe my nature craves the topsy-turvy messes I create, maybe I love the sloppy and haphazard way of things, maybe it keeps them free.
The powerful force of connection. When two (or more) seemingly distinct and separate items momentarily become one. From computers to eyes, airline flights to souls, professional networking to mind & body. Life seems to be a series of connections: missed, deep, violent, loving, life-altering, heart-opening. We see and create connections wherever we go, eternally striving, ferociously searching, and unyieldingly craving these moments of truth.
When we connect with others and ourselves we strive for hearts and minds to be unmasked, seen for their own truth, for layers to be sloughed off, revealing our pure selves. The pure & simple truth of life.
I spent this summer fostering old connections and creating new ones. From re-connecting to my ever-growing hometown, to old friends and family I haven’t seen in years; from fostering new connections with new friends to teaching yoga; and even connecting to the flora of previously unexplored forests.
It has been a wild & wonderful summer.