Wandering Heart

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In 7 days I’ll be on a plane flying back west, back home. Part of me is craving the comforts and familiarity: I miss my loved ones, endless variations of vegan food, the warm earthy scents of home, the softness of my bed, the ease of being surrounded by a culture I know and understand.

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Despite missing these people, things, and sensations, I struggle with the quick approach of my return… I’m not ready.

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I fear returning to the static and uninspiring life I left: unwavering routines, a beyond boring desk job, the incurable monotony of making ends meet. I left to find the next step on my path, instead I found more of myself than I expected. I found passions I wasn’t aware of and truths that I had been too afraid to reveal to myself.

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There’s something honest about being on the road, with only a backpack, embracing the raw reality of each place, each day. The mysterious unknown that awaits me in the morning: the prospect of a blank slate, a freshly turned page.

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The elusive temptress of new beginnings beckons me, showing me vibrant glimpses of endless possibilities. Each adventure ending with the feeling of happy satisfaction; each little moment leaves me aching for more.

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Recently, I read this in my daily meditation book:

April 18
There’s Magic in the Unknown

Sometimes we’re out of ideas. We think and think but nothing comes. We don’t know what’s next. It feels like we’re at a dead end. But we’re not. That void, that dreaded blank spot is really a glorious magical place.
Sometimes we have to run out of our ideas before we can open to any new ones. The reason we can’t see any further is because our ideas are limited by the past , by past experiences, by what life has been like before. Our future doesn’t have to be limited by our past. Life knows that. Now we can learn it, too. We’re not at a dead end. We’ve reached a new beginning.

Now is a time of magic.
Let the universe take your hand
and show you things you have never seen before .
Now, at last, you’re open
and vulnerable enough to begin.
Celebrate the magic,
the mystery of the unknown.
Celebrate the miracles that will certainly come.

Melodie Beattie

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That’s it. That’s utterly and completely where I am at this moment, as I hop from friend’s couches to hostels, tanned and barefoot, with my markers, pencils, and pens, I am ready to draw and write, ready to create. Backpacking, is my glorious void, anticipating my stories and adventures with the excitement of a child discovering the blossoming life of spring.

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With no plans for each moment, I just live them, embrace them, then allow them to continue on as I welcome the new moment rushing into my arms. My mind moves like a stream: in a steady but unrushed pace, allowing the current of my mind to lick each bend along the path, taste it, test it, see what it’s like, and continue on, undisturbed.

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Eagerly and readily, I accept the backpacker life, I love and live for the rawness, the spontaneity in each moment. I feel rich in experience, filled with love and an eternal well of smiles. I feel understood and inspired by those around me but most importantly, by myself.

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Maybe this relentlessly gnawing desire to keep moving is the universe telling me to follow that feeling, that urging, to continue to wander and explore the glorious void. Compelling me to continue my adventure by embracing my homecoming with the same widened eyes and awed anticipation that accompanied me on the road.

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27 Comments

  1. this is gorgeous! when i read it, i experienced a sort of sadness and nostalgia, and at the same time a certain hope and excitement for what’s to come — all the while taking in Right Now. so beautiful 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What a beautiful description of your experience. It seems you are forever changed… and reaching … becoming the best possible version of you. As your mother I couldn’t hope for more. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you…All of the new YOU!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Wishing you a safe flight home in advance 🙂 And all the best in dealing with the gnawing desire to wander and explore – it’s something I struggle with on a daily basis too. But with this desire, I’m sure our next adventure will not be far off!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a beautiful post! While reading I felt like I was right there with you for a moment, I could see it all, the places, the beauty, and I could feel your struggles of returning home, for I know exactly what they feel like. Thank you! I hope you had a safe journey back and that you find a way to incorporate all those experiences you made on the road into your life back at home. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Jwss, thanks for the like. Backpacking always reminds me of Jackson Brown’s ‘Adam’s Song’ It’s sad, but also a reminder of how much we can know strangers, how little we understand even our closest friends.

    Like

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