She was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world.
– Kate Chopin, The Awakening
I remember that feeling well. Securing the heavy cloth of “normalcy” on my shoulders as I left for my administrative job, a drooping heaviness, slowly gathering weight throughout the day. My heart ached with strained discontentment. I felt like a fraud. A failure. Incapable of fulfilling ideals of where and who I should be, ought to be, by age 25.
I had forgotten what I loved and craved, the hobbies and passions I possessed. I forgot how to flow with life, with my nature, with my strengths.
Exhausted with the tedium, I threw myself into my own frayed ends, the turbulent waters of my own existence, searching for freedom by carefully and intentionally moving my body; cultivating balance between control and surrender… Yoga.
It was a launching of sorts, like riding a precarious pebble flung from a slingshot aimed for the innermost spaces of my soul. Landing & sifting through the rubble left from broken relationships, mostly with myself; wallowing in the strange duality of thinking about myself in the third person & wondering how I got here.
Wanting to dive deeper, to follow my gut&heart&soul, I made the slightly haphazard decision to accept a one-way ticket out of my stagnation, launching again, this time to the other side of the world.
On a whim, filled with dancing butterflies, I wandered to Thailand. To follow a hunch, a sneaking suspicion that there was something to learn there, something to explore, something to discover.
There, I learned that I am a teacher.
A creator of colorful, playful things.
A writer, jotting down bits&pieces of my heart.
An explorer beyond the easily discoverable, searching for well-hidden gems.
A lover of learning, wandering through life with wide-open eyes and mind.
So as the new year approaches, I vow to continue launching myself into new situations. Seeing how I flourish. Checking in with what fears//reactions//feelings come rushing forward through the fray.
Sometimes we forget to engage our true natures.
We forget about the part of us that is unique and beautifully imperfect.
We stay stuck in the idea of what is expected of us,
rather than launching into what our true nature needs, demands.
When we feel that gnawing dissatisfaction in our bones, it’s because we’ve hidden and suppressed our true natures, we ache for our raw and honest selves.
Launching into your true nature sometimes calls for a fresh slate, a reset button, a new beginning. Erasing what you thought you loved so that you can open up to create new things in your life.