This life of mine has not been a series of happenings buoyant with balance and ease. I have come to realize that I’m not really accustomed to balance.
I wonder: maybe my nature craves the topsy-turvy messes I create, maybe I love the sloppy and haphazard way of things, maybe it keeps them free.
Through both the weighty and feather-light transitions I find myself either jumping in excitedly, and often unknowingly, with two feet relishing in the transitory motions, flowing fully in the turbulent waters with ease, acceptance, understanding; or, resisting the unwanted changes with faulty starts, defiantly planted feet, demanding to know why, and attempting to alter the situation to suit my own desires, wants, needs… Maybe it’s childish, but I’ve always tenaciously known what I want.
Now my lack of balance and general trust in the universe to take care of me, simply because it always has, well, it seems to have left me in a spacey limbo. A stagnant and undesirable place for a mover like me. A place where motion ceases and growth halts, suffocating my spirit and eroding my heart.
Anxious for forward motions, my fingers twitch and ache for a purpose; my heart beats quickly, pulsing with desire for unreachable people, things, ideals; my breath is shallow, barely supporting me, as I grasp for a life, a purpose, a place just out of reach.
I remember a lesson I learned and taught during one of my yoga classes. A lesson that sheds light on the unstable, messy moments and unwanted transitions…
Healing, like breath & life & all things, is all about balance. You cannot exhale if you do not first inhale. Therefore you cannot give out if you do not first take in. Sometimes finding the balance of giving & receiving, of taking in energy & giving it away, of loving & allowing yourself to be loved, is difficult, seemingly out of reach.
But it is always within your power to find it, create it, and embody it.
The power of opposite forces working together to find that balance, meeting in the center after they pull and push one another. The source of all growth.
Maybe these wild transitions and messy moments have now culminated into this static limbo to pull me back to center, ground me, balance me.