It’s been a month since I returned home from a year in Thailand. My homecoming was emotional, full of reunions, shocks of cultural differences, and the foreign sensation of stability that only “home” can provide. I spent the first few weeks continuing my adventure by exchanging my 70 liter backpack for my lavender duffel bag, plane tickets for the Greyhound, and a constant companion for traveling solo. My fears of coming home to stagnation were most certainly cured by days filled with traveling, visiting loved ones, celebrating graduations, or the overwhelming task of unpacking. However, I soon began to notice a pattern in my swarm of activities: they were non-stop.
I haven’t been cultivating moments to take care of my inner self, to let my adventure wash over me, sinking in, soaking with my experiences, savoring each memory as if I were still there.
My inner self thrives on moments of contemplation, heart deepening writing, playful photography, and flowing yoga. Lately, I have noticed a fear rising in my chest, shortening my breath, taking my eyes away from the beauty of the moment. I’m afraid that if I take those quiet, necessary moments to relive my adventures that I’ll lose something in the process. Maybe my memory will falter and I will forget an priceless detail of the day or misplace a cherished moment in my mind.
But mostly I fear losing myself: the deep joy I felt with where I was in the world and in my life, the creativity and blissful radiance I had adopted into my daily life, the love I felt expanding in my chest.
In the midst these realizations I decided to read my tarot cards for some clarity, to find purpose in the interpretation of signs from the Universe.
I cleared the previous energy from the cards and shuffled, asking the cards my heart’s unformed yet burning questions. I pulled The Grosbeak, 3 of Feathers. Two days in a row.
Wearing a natural red heart upon it’s chest, Grosbeak helps to heal old wounds, especially those involving past loves and family foundations. Facing the crux of our suffering requires honesty, courage, and clarity. Look to the heart of the matter to identify painful patterns in your life. Move beyond pretense. Feel your emotions, express them fully, then let go. Clouds burst, rain falls, then dark skies lighten. Nature reminds us to release and renew. Have a good cry, shake loose the shackles. Grosbeak’s observant eye and melodious tune encourages us to look around and notice beauty. Take heart. Trust yourself to love again. As we accept truth, we unleash our bonds and healing begins. When in doubt, reconnect with your deep self.
So here I am, reconnecting:
opening up, letting go, and flowing in the beauty of my inner self.
My heart shines in discovering the magic:
flowing and stretching, crafting and photographing, writing and drawing.
Soon these lovely creations from my soul will fill up this blog. And I can’t wait to share them.